Self-Doubt Conquered

As I read and re-read “Fall From Grace”, memories of a traumatic life-style change for our family flooded over me. Bob, my husband, and I had lived in small towns for 24 years, adding four children (one every four years). Because of financial pressures, we made the very difficult decision to move to a large city (Minneapolis, Minnesota). Bob, our sole income provider, was assured of a much larger paycheck each week as a pharmacist with a fledgling discount store chain (Target). The opportunity was there. We decided to make the move. 

Each member of our family had difficult moments during the transition. Bob’s job was more pressure filled. The children, as they enrolled in new schools, were faced with problems of becoming part of their peer groups. I had been a full time homemaker while also enjoying the social life of a small town. When the unexpected opportunity of returning to work (and bringing in additional income) was offered to me, I accepted the challenge. As a registered pharmacist, I knew what my responsibilities would be. Then my self-doubts about my abilities began. During the 24 years of our marriage, I had worked a total of 33 days as a pharmacist. Fear gripped me as I tried to recall medication dosages, interactions of drugs, usual dispensing directions and changes in the laws governing controlled substances. 

I wasn’t a bit sure of myself as I was presented to the pharmacist-manager of the University of Minnesota Health Service Pharmacy. Miss Marfell, I could tell by her eyes and demeanor, was not all that sure about me, either, given my work history.  During my first few days at work, Miss Marfell questioned me several times, concerned about my ability to hold up under the intense pressure of the job.  

The pharmacy waiting room was usually filled to over-flowing with ill students waiting to have their prescriptions filled. When no more chairs were available for seating, students sat on the floor, leaning against the wall for support. By closing time each day, all the prescriptions had been filled and medications dispensed to our often feverish, coughing, and sneezing clientele. Giving complete directions for taking the medication (s), and sometimes a bit of motherly advice, were part of my job (as I saw it). Because I was the only mother in our working group of five pharmacists, it’s quite possible my advice to the ill students was a bit different from that of my co-workers. 

Gradually my confidence returned as I worked side-by-side with my fellow pharmacists. The agonizing over possible small errors subsided. Doing the job well and in a timely fashion resulted in acceptance and a “job well done” from Miss Marfell. It was then that I felt I was one of “them”.